This is more of a confession than a manual on how to steal boyfriends, however feel free to use it as you please.
I always thought I was a model girlfriend, but after seeing this sexy tee shirt I realize that I am simply a boyfriend stealer – end of story.
I have recently been working to correct this flaw, though I am slow to progress through the usual methods of going cold turkey and therapy.
It is an immensely difficult habit to give up. Even though I do feel some guilt associated with my behavior, it has not always been my direct intent to steal said boyfriend/husband. I am fighting a ‘subconscious thought pattern’ (so says my therapist). Those nasty little buggers are all but impossible to spot.
I think it comes from the belief that all men are inherently untrustworthy cheaters! You might say this is harsh – but I speak not only as a former stealer but as a good friend to many cheating boyfriends. There’s nothing quite like the inside scoop from a friend to open your eyes to their true nature.
There is also, of course, something so very enticing about someone else’s chosen partner. This enticing aspect is not a conscious thought process on my part (most of the time I don’t know for certain they are already taken) but some innate ability to spot that the guy in question is in fact already a ‘boyfriend’.
They have generally been selected with some care and attention to detail. Sort of like a funny tee shirt that you wouldn’t look at twice before you’ve seen it on a sexy guy. Or a pair of second-hand sexy tank tops that could only get ‘that look’ through many washes and wears by some diligent fashionista.
I am going to start with the work colleague. This is an easy one to manage – perfect for a beginner – especially if their partner is not also a colleague.
First, you must catch their eye across the desk/lobby/office and smile so they know they have been noticed. However, you will need neutral territory to start a conversation, if you don’t already have the opportunity to talk to them during your average work day.
The staff canteen and water cooler are both excellent places. No-one will feel that their space has been invaded and there is also a definite beginning and end to any conversation in one of these environments. There is nothing worse than standing there in your sexy tee shirt looking like a dork; your mouth hanging open with nothing to say and no smooth way to end the experience. Finesse is essential.
Once you have established a rapport at the staff canteen, you can perhaps find out when they regularly have lunch and ‘just happen’ to meet them there a couple of times. It’s important to keep it light and friendly at this point. If at all possible make sure there are others around. You don’t want the poor soul to feel hunted!
This should naturally progress to going out for after work drinks to the pub or local bar hang out.
A night out with the boys is always a good entrée into the friendship world. This way he’ll feel comfortable about hanging out with you and will reduce his immediate feelings of guilt if he mentions you to his current girlfriend. Having said that, you should never ask to be invited if it is a ‘boys only’ night – but I do advocate accidentally bumping into them at the preferred haunt. It’s always best to have either a friend to meet or a good excuse for being in the vicinity. You don’t want him to know just yet how keen you are.
The next step is an outing on a weekend day or non-working day. Hospitality industry is great for this because of shift work. This means there’s more possibility he won’t have the same days off as the current girlfriend. By now you should know what it is that appeals to him – if you don’t you are a lost cause and I want nothing more to do with you.
Be fun, uncomplicated, alluring and don’t nag! It’s a shoe-in! They are all simple creatures and I am sure they will know what to do when the moment comes.
Whatever you do – avoid meeting the usually very nice and gorgeous current girlfriend. This poses no advantage whatsoever and may even hinder you. You don’t want to start feeling sorry for the blighter, or even worse, you could become friends!! An absolutely do not ever wear this sexy tee shirt to the event.
On to my next favourite selection pool; the OOTs (Out-of-towners) are the guys who travel to another city or country in order to participate in a special event. The event could be anything from a milestone birthday party to a mate’s bachelor night. Bachelor parties are not my preference though – far too messy, but a good birthday celebration or even engagement party is a prime place to meet that OOTBF. They are usually up for some fun and games while the CGF is safely in another town and unlikely to know the crowd at the party (hence why she isn’t there).
OOTs will tell you frankly that they are taken and expect you to respect that. You should pretend to respect it – asking them pertinent and interested questions about their partner.
Once you have some ammunition in the form of information about said partner – you need to show that you are not like that at all and then demonstrate how much fun you are by being amusing and showing off with some kind of high jinx.
These guys especially do not want to know you if you are an uptight priss see this funny tee shirt http://www.brownturtle.com/index.php?command=customize&design_id=29.
It is best if you leave the event with a group rather than on your own – you want all other party members to be too drunk to remember anything at all. You are then free to make up your own order of events in the morning, after surreptitiously finding out what all the others got up to.
You should make your move from the next location, BUT only AFTER the midnight goodnight call from the current girlfriend! Depend upon it; She will know exactly what time it is wherever the OOTBF is. He will be completely useless until this hurdle has been passed. It would be wise at this point to suggest turning off the phone but he will probably be way ahead of you anyway.
You should walk away if your reputation would be seriously compromised, with your tee shirt on of course.
ALWAYS remember that a girl’s best friend is her reputation!!!!!!!!
If you are content with the information supplied above and think you could use it on your next victim I wish you good luck and all happiness! You need read no further.
If, however, you are thinking – this girl is not very nice – in fact she might just be downright horrible – I do have some more to say in my defense!
I am really (truly I am) just a simple sweet girl see my pic wearing this sexy tee shirt with a head full of romantic notions, but a slightly jaded and cynical outlook, brought on by my very rich life experiences.
The moral of the story, girls, is that human relations are complicated enough without second guessing the opposite sex and adding lots of convoluted rules to the game.
I think the correct economists’ term is ‘Free Market’ – concentrate on your own happiness and it should invariably lead to that of the people around you.
In other words, every man for himself!
black t shirt
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write by Jon Brecht